THE VAULT: futuresex/lovesounds review

this was a piece originally written for buzzsaw, the student magazine at ithaca. they didn't like it/get it/whatever their problem was, and suggested that i turn it into a parody making fun of jt, because apparently they're weren't secure enough in their own sexuality to ever admit... etc. etc.

it got published in some fuckin magazine instead. no, that's the actual name. i know, clever. but shortlived.

it's not all rainbows and sunshine (or funny for that matter), but i still think its a great idea and i thought rather than trying to make it better i would just share it with you all as is. although i couldn't help the occasional comment in hindsight. and by hindsight i don't mean doggystyle.

there's no reason to write a straightforward review of this album. we know how good it is. we know that tracks 1-10 form some of the best, most cohesive music in the last couple of years (to that effect, we're also pretty embarassed by tracks 11 & 12). [actually over time i have come to respect track 12, despite being convinced that it would better serve its purpose as a b-side. track 11 still deserves to burned though] timbaland and danjahands, who handle 90% of the production here, are geniuses. [sometimes. see chris cornell's album] justin finally gives the middle finger to everyone who didn't realize he was the only genuine talent to come out of 'nsync. enough said.

but it's a bold statement to call your album 'futuresex/lovesounds'. when i think of all the music i'd want to make babies with, justin timberlake isn't high up on that list. but the more i thought about it, and the more i walked around campus with this album blaring out of my ipod, the more i wanted to call him out. 'justin,' i would say as if we were sitting in the towers dining hall talking over reheated chicken patties, [ithaca college joke you wouldn't understand] 'your album's bangin, but i'm not gonna bang to it.' or am i?

the following are notes i took while in the field doing the dirty and researching this timeless question:

1.futuresex/lovesoundsi didn’t realize how awkward it would be to propose this experiment. with the exception of one subject, i didn’t tell them what i was putting on beforehand. 'wait…' one confused participant said, taking my hands off her breasts. “what the fuck, did you just put on justin timberlake?” there were mixed reactions. one girl told me to “turn that shit off if you want me to stay.” two others actually got more excited. but whatever the initial reaction was, when the first chorus kicks in with those ridiculous chord stabs, all experiments were back on schedule. 5/5

2. sexyback (feat. timbaland)

this one was a problem, especially since it appears so early in the album.iI blame it on mtv. your mom knows this song. god damn it it’s overplayed. with the first subject, i was too drunk to realize that mouthing “i’m bringin’ sexy back” [i still do this at inappropriate times] along with justin was probably the worst thing i could have done. she started laughing so hard we had to stop so she could regain composure, and i had to take my hands out of her pants. the bass drum on every downbeat had things twerkin’ though. 3/5

3. sexy ladies/let me talk to you prelude

this shit is funky. however suspicious the last track might have made them, this one more than compensated. it’s impossible to listen to the breakdown and not want to start doing pelvic thrusts. i don’t care where you are. the cowbells in the prelude were a little distracting. But that’s just nitpicking. 4.5/5

4. my love (feat. t.i.)

bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. i was afraid that the sappy subject matter would be a problem, but I was so wrong. SO wrong. try tellin’ me that beat isn’t an absolute monster and i’ll straight up slap your ass. [is this a threat to guys as well???? i don't think i gave much thought to that sentence...] i promise. 5/5

5. lovestoned/i think she knows interlude

oh shit. another out-the-park home run. one girl dug her nails in my ass when the guitar kicked in. [if you can't tell by this point, none of this actually happened to me] i still have marks. the problem again was the interlude. it really kicked ass at sucking. the first time i was unprepared, but the second time we stopped and made-out, which while sounding rather anti-climactic, fit pretty perfectly. boo-ya. 4/5

6. what goes around.../...comes around

not good. it’s a break-up song. a slow, sad, break-up song. that lasts seven and a half fucking minutes. i learned my mistake the first time and took this song out of the line-up for the rest of the experiment. but [HEAR MARS], that defeats the whole purpose of the experiment! hey, fuck you man I’m trying to have sex here. 1/5

7. chop me up (feat. timbaland & three 6 mafia)

that’s much better. there’s so much bounce here; the possibilities are infinite. this song also has the album’s best sex moment at 3:02. [so true, 2006 me. so true] three 6 mafia’s verse kicks in and timbaland throws in piano stabs that couldn’t help but make the girls want to go faster. and faster. and faster. “oh hell yes.” that’s a direct quote. 4/5

8. damn girl (feat. will.i.am)

will.i.am has way too much annoying repetition in his song structure (see busta’s “i love my bitch” and “my humps”). thank god that doesn’t make an ounce of difference in the bedroom. damn. damn girl. damn girl. damn girl. damn girl. damn girl. damn. gimme some. damn girl. damn girl. damn girl. damn girl. damn girl. damn. (this is the actual chorus) the drums and the keys were right on target. so were the girls. 4/5

9. summer love/set the mood prelude

the perfect beat to cream your jeans to. [more indicative of the sexual behavior i was more likely to be participating in at the time] there’s something very suspicious about the consistency of timbaland and danjahands’ production on this album. TOO suspicious. this was the perfect note to end on though. listen to the prelude with your eyes closed and you can practically smell the post-coitus cigarette. not to say that there was one. (i may or may not be on probation [i was]) but you could still imagine it. 5/5

'[HEAR MARS], I have to say I was very surprised,' one girl said to me while we lay in bed, letting track 10 (the ballad that should have closed the album) play out in the background.

being the modest man i am i caught myself turning a little red. 'oh you mean the performance? well, it’s really not something that can be taught. You have to have more of an instinct for…'

'i was talking about the justin timberlake album. i actually liked it. a lot.'

'yeah,' I said after a moment’s pause, putting my arms behind my head and deciding not to push for dessert. 'yeah, I did too.'